Our listeners, you may surmise, can be delicate. Oh, they put on a brave face, but they get in a tizzy over all sorts. This week’s wants to navigate the tricky and previously unknown etiquette of how to pronounce “pho”. Is it “fuh”, “fur”, or “foe“? Whatever it is, if it’s between our tender listeners and a steaming bowl of soup you’d better believe we’re on the fucking case.
Our questioner, one of the rats fleeing a sinking ship, would like to do something nice for their boss before they leave this job - they’d like to make sure their boss lands on their feet with a nice new job somewhere else. How are they - are we - to achieve this? Let’s find out, together.
We’ve all got that friend or acquaintance who’s prone to exaggeration. Sometimes they’re prone to talking absolute nonsense, inventing stories out of who cloth. But when they’re a serial porky-teller, how do you tell when they are and aren’t telling the truth?
This week’s listener has a particularly Millennial conundrum for us: how to get their beau to play Pokemon Go? Rather than let on that we are, in fact, really rather old, we approach this question with the seriousness and tact you probably think it deserves if you never knew a time before the internet.
Our questioner this week is plagued by bad dreams. The naughtier Oneiroi are vexing them right up.
How can they vanquish these dreams, or at least make them more interesting?
Why, by asking us, no less.
Our questioner’s workplace has all gone a bit Game of Thrones. No, not gratuitous nudity behind the photocopier, nor incest in the stationery cupboard - it’s political, and they are not.
How can a poor rube survive in an office rife with politics, back-stabbing, and intrigue?
Why, by asking us of course.
Apologies for the few seconds’ silence after the intro music on this week’s show. And by ‘apologies’, we mean ‘blame Roger’.
This week’s questioner has concerns dear listener, and they concern 90s primetime landfill sitcom Friends. That, and the youth. We hate both of those things, so we’re happy to help out.
Our questioner this week would like to upend the current state of things and bring joy and light to a dark world. But they also don’t really fancy leaving the house or engaging with any other human beings. How can we reconcile these two opposing and very valid desires?
This week’s questioner has perhaps the most relatable issue we’ve ever addressed.
Sometimes, the things you like stop being fun, whether by natural attrition, the increased interest of other people or, should we dare to admit it, by becoming bad or not having been any good in the first place. What are we to do when this happens? You’d better believe we’ve got some fixes for you, bucko.
One forceful embuggerance of the modern age is the decline of the local shop, something this week’s questioner is abundantly sympathetic to. If only they’d not whinge about it. What to do, what to do?
Public transport - what a wonderful idea! What a horrific pit of disease and antisocial behaviour in practice. This week’s listener is, presumably as some form of penance, temporarily forced onto the bus, and we’re here to get them through it.
Our questioner starts hobbies but never commits to them, leaving them unsatisfied with their efforts. A shame, but is it one our fixers can help address? I’d be very surprised if it wasn’t.
It’s the festive season, and some people just won’t play along. This week’s questioner wants their deskmate to enjoy the festive season so they can really ramp up the non-stop festivity this season requires. What to do? I can think of no better people to bring Christmas cheer than us.
This weeks’s questioner likes to Make Things, and despite the enjoyment they derive from this, their swearing and behaviour while doing so resembles that of a particularly sexually-aggressive chimpanzee. What, then, to do? Why, dear listener, to fix it.
Featuring a special guest: a very loud laptop fan!
We’ve all watched enough holiday specials to know that you can make your own traditions, that family is where you find it, and not to touch any creek bodies you find - no matter how tempting - lest you get framed for an escalating series of brutal murders. This week’s questioner struggles with that first thing - specifically how to carry on a Christmas tradition without one of its participants.
A very important question this week - when work is getting to you from every direction, how do you find the time and energy to extricate yourself from a bad situation. We’re here to help, and so is Fixbot 3000 - the world’s first automated fixing machine!
A matter of fidelity this week, as our questioner would prefer some more of that sort of thing from their partner. Will we fix it? Very much depends on what you’re willing to accept as an answer.
A superabundance of willing twinkflesh brings with it a hefty helping of people who are in need of fixing and so they turn, not to us, but to this week’s questioner, who would like to return to a rigorous schedule of nobbing without all the troublesome feelings. We’re here to help. It’s what we do.
It’s a four-fixer week as we tackle a colleague (male) who has no comprehension that his (female) colleague is actually capable of performing her job. How to stop this fuckstick from persistently undermining our questioner?
For more information on the “hero’s journey” and how to weaponise it, see episode 61.